Almost a month

It's almost a month since my Mom died.

Sometimes I almost forget that she is gone. Like today.

I went to a movie, and driving back I realized I didn't have to rush to get back to take care of her. I could take my time, go shopping, whatever I wanted to do.

What is really nice, is when I think about the fact that Mom is gone, I don't have any regrets.

Because I lived so far away, when I came to visit, I made a point of doing "day trips" with my parents. In particular, we went by their old "haunts". So, not only did we visit the places from their early years, I also got to hear the stories.

And, after my Mother had her stroke, I was careful to get more stories and memories from her. Her memory was excellent, up until about 6 months after her first stroke.

Of course, there are many things left behind which keep Mom with us. Her many recipe books, card file, and even a small book with her favorite recipes handwritten.

We might publish those in a book.

After watching Julie & Julia today, I think there just might be a market for such a book.

Thanksgiving with my crazy Brother

As I shopped, cooked, and spent the day with my Brother, I realized how much my Mother truly was a saint.

This Brother has some sort of mental problems. My b/f and I are not really sure what. I do know he is bi-polar, but in addition, he talks all the time. It seems he must verbalize everything he is thinking. In addition, he would fall into the category of "arrested development", as well as bad decision making.

This was never really discussed when we were children. He is 8 years older than I, so I don't remember a lot about him.

The one story which always highlighted the result of his mental condition was when he burnt down the barn.

He was probably about 10 or 11. Apparently he started a fire (playing with matches), and for some unknown reason (well, because his reasoning skills are apparently impaired) tried to put out the fire by putting hay on it.

As we lived quite far from a firehouse, the barn burned to the grown before the firemen arrived.

My parents decided he should then burn the trash every week (which is how we disposed of our trash back then), in the hopes this would cure his need for playing with fire.

It's always difficult spending time with him. I do if for Mom, and because I am his family.

But, he is always anxious to help, and managed to make dinner rolls, using Mom's recipe. They turned out quite good.

He was happy.

I was glad to go home.

Overnight in Mom's house

I stayed overnight in my Mom's house Thursday night.

It was the first time I slept there since the night before she died. The night she died I didn't stay there. I just wanted to escape. So I did.

But now I need to be sorting through my things, and taking them to my house.

I had never thought I should do this before. I bought my house 2 weeks before my Mother had her first stroke.

I always thought that if Mom saw me moving out my stuff, she would fear that one day I would follow it, and leave her. Although there certainly were times I wanted to "quit my job", so to speak, I couldn't and wouldn't.

Early on after my Mother came home, I could tell she was really worried she would be put back in the nursing home. So I told her that I would always take care of her.

I don't regret doing so. However, there were many, many times I wished I could continue living my life, as I had planned.

So, when I was at my Mom's, I didn't really feel a lot of sadness.

I think I am going through the "anger" stage of grief.

I'm angry I had to put my life on hold for over 3 years. I'm angry my Mother had her strokes, and everything she had to suffer through.

Perhaps I can learn from this experience, and make better plans for my last years on earth.

Working on the estate

My sister is executor of the estate, but, true to form, she expects me to do much of the work.

My brother is taking Mom's car, but the windshield needed replacing. There was some hail damage earlier in the year, causing some small cracks.

So, my sister asked if I could take it to get it fixed.

I really did it more for my brother (who had helped me the most taking care of Mom), than I did for my sister.

I also somehow was designated the one to store all the photo albums and scrapbooks.
I don't really mind, but, I certainly didn't ask to have them.

What I did ask for were my Mother's wedding and engagement rings. But, again, shock. My sister put them on her finger and they fit! Besides, as she told me, I am not married and she is.

I would have had to get the rings re sized a lot in order to wear them.

Probably one of these days she will get tired of wearing them, but who knows.

I'm not going start a family rift over the rings. Besides, who knows if I would really wear them. I have some really nice rings now, that I never wear.

Better someone wears Mom's rings and enjoys them, than them sitting in a box.

Furthermore, I plan to take all the costume jewelry, some of which is from the 50's. I think I will enjoy wearing those more than the fine jewelry.

I miss my Mom

I miss my Mom.

Of course, I miss the vibrant woman who was fiercely independent, but I even miss the Mom who was an invalid, confined to her bed.

I spoke with the home health aide yesterday. Of course, we spoke of Mom. The aide commented on how Mom was able to eat and enjoy food, up until almost the end. And, how she was always in good spirits.

I don't know if my Mom was really always in good spirits, but she sure acted like it, probably because she knew that's what we needed. Of course, she wasn't in pain, and generally not even in any discomfort.

Although it's always difficult when a loved one dies, I think that because she was in distress the last 4 hours of her life, it helps me to be glad that she is no longer suffering. Neither she nor I could have handled much more.

And so I am at peace with her being gone.

But, sometimes I cry. Not a lot. I haven't had one of those exhausting crying sessions. I really hate those.

And besides, Mother would not like me crying.

I can hear her now "But honey, you knew I was going to die".

Yeah Mom, but that doesn't mean I don't still miss you.

And I always will.

Learning about Mom

My Mother was really a nice person. As one of my brother's said "she didn't just talk the talk, she walked the walk".

She grew up poor, with a bi-polar father, who would disappear for days, and at times stand on the street corner preaching, thinking he was some famous evangelical preacher. My Mother said it was embarrassing, and people thought he was drunk, but he didn't drink.

I suspect this is why she was not one to gossip. I never really thought about this,
until I overheard one of her good friends make this comment during the visitation.

"She never gossiped. Nothing ever came out of her mouth about others, and if you told her something, it stayed with her".

I got a few things out of my Mother after her stroke. It was rather surprising some of the family secrets she kept for all those years. I am not really sure it was because of the stroke that she decided to start revealing the secrets, or because she thought it was time we knew.

Probably a little bit of both.

On with life

Well, the funeral was today. Visitation was last night. My friends, being the wonderful friends that they are showed up. All that could, attended both, which is certainly above the call of duty.

The weather was quite nice. Sunny, warm, a little too windy.

The minister did a fairly nice job with the eulogy, although he tended to abuse his power in the situation, to make all the heathen in the audience feel they were going to hell if they did not immediately ask Jesus to forgive their sins.

My boyfriend got to experience my sister a bit more first hand, and, surprise, surprise, he has concluded that she is actually worse than I have portrayed to him.

I keep trying to convince my boyfriend I am always right. But somehow, he is still often amazed.

And, speaking of my boyfriend. He got out of the hospital Wednesday, had his first out patient dialysis this morning at 6:20 AM. So, he had been up since 5:00 AM, dialysis, rushed home, dressed, family lunch, funeral, cemetery, then more time with the family. Although at times during the day he wasn't feeling well, he stuck it out, and didn't whine.

He sat by me through everything, and was always there trying to do the right thing at all times.

I guess he wants to make sure to stay in my good graces, as appears he might be in need of some "caretaking" someday.

We are taking a drive to the country tomorrow. It will be really nice to not have to rush back to change Mom's diapers.

As much as I will miss her in many ways, that, I will never miss.

Let the mourning begin

Today is the day the minister comes to talk to our family about the funeral service, as well as there will be visitation this evening.

Tomorrow afternoon is the funeral, plus then burial at the cemetery.

It's been 5 days since Mom died. It's nice that we don't have to have the funeral right after the death anymore. I mean, if someone is embalmed, it's not like it's really going to matter much. It's more of a problem for the funeral home, if they have enough storage space.

I haven't cried too much. I cried the first night Mom took the turn for the worse. I guess that has been a week and a half ago now. And, I often cry when I have to call someone to tell them Mom died.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. It will be good to see old friends and relatives. I have been so tied down these last couple of years, I have missed a lot of events; family reunions, get togethers with friends.

But, I know how important it will be to see these people now. I remember as a child, the number of times my Mother would say "the last time I saw them was at so and so's funeral". I actually thought that was kinda sad, and made a note to try and see people I cared about, someplace other than funerals.

Actually the mourning process for Mom started after she had her first stroke, 2 1/2 years ago. That's when we started telling our "Mom" stories.

They should be honed pretty good by now.

We have submitted stories to the minister, who will deliver the eulogy.

I hope he does a good job.

Obituary

Well, the obituary appeared in the paper today. First time I saw this one.

I saw one last summer, which my sister e-mailed to me when she went on vacation, in the event Mom died when she was gone. I thought that one would be published.

Much to my surprise this morning a much longer obit appeared. Not that I am complaining about the length, but she mentions some of the caregivers we have had over the past 2 years, but not all of them. Only the ones that went to "the church".

That is such a slight to the others. But, I haven't said anything. What's done is done.

Well, I said something to my boyfriend, who was actually much more upset about the obit than was I.

He, by the way, is still in the hospital. He is to be released today.

Then we have to go buy him a sport coat (at least) for the funeral.

And, I am right now at my Mom's getting ready to clean house. My sister was here for a little bit yesterday, but didn't do a thing (no surprise there).

Oh, and for all my friends reading this. Please note that this blog is anonymous, my name is not listed anywhere, which will hopefully keep the guilty parties from finding it.

They will figure out it's me, but they can't prove it (LOL).

Funeral arrangements

The funeral is planned. 1:30 PM on Friday. Visitation Thursday evening.

The really nice thing is my Mother preplanned, and prepaid for her funeral. She did this after my Dad died.

It's really nice not having to make those decisions now.

Looking back, I am sure Mom did this so there wouldn't be any squabbling amongst us children.

There will be enough of that as it is.

Thank goodness for my friends.

Friends you choose. Relatives you tolerate.